Drinking 101
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.  Obtain refill.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall equipped with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Obtain rope. Have sober person secure you to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: Sit up.  Link arms with nearby patrons for increased stability and camaraderie.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet.
FAULT: Mouth closed, or glass interfaced with incorrect facial anatomy.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Insufficient bladder control.
ACTION: Stand near dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Inquire whether you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.  If bartender has departed, cover the night shift as you see fit.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION: